DEMENTED

The early morning alarm blares at 5:45am in the chilling cold winter. You search for your now gleaming phone with semi-open eyes and disappointment on breaking of a sweet dream where you were enjoying some moments of seclusion in the fast moving life of your metropolitan city. The alarm had brought you back to reality and now your daily monotonous day had begun. Getting up from bed, you walk towards the bathroom in a hurry and get fresh. You realize you have a presentation at your office today and the statistics are yet to be put down in the presentation.

Half an hour later, you are all set to go and walk out of your room towards the hall, as your nostrils get filled up with the smell of good food prepared by your mom. The clock shows 6:30 am, you quickly bow before the God, placed in the hallway, and rush to grab your lunch box. You start searching for the blue file which you had kept on the dinner table last night after returning home late. You search for it hastily, running towards your room, you scavenge for it in your drawers.

"Mom, did you touch my blue file which I kept here last night?" you yell at the top of your voice while still searching the dinner table and around the TV shelf.

"Yeah! I remember seeing a blue file here last night. And then while tidying up the table, I picked it up and..." the words of your mother fade away as her face turns into a confused look, as if thinking of something deeply.

"And what Mom? WHERE DID YOU KEEP IT?" you demand an answer.

"I remember seeing it, beta. But now I really can't remember where did I keep it. It should be somewhere there, lying around," your Mom replies still thinking hard.

"But I am not able to find it now. It is an important file, I kept it here so that I won't forget to take it today. I really need it now and because of your fastidiousness, now I will have to suffer big time," you retort and look up at the clock which, surprisingly, now shows 6:50 am. "Just last week you put my trousers for washing and my work ID got messed up during the wash, which you forgot to take out from the pocket. I had to spend the whole week talking to HR and get a new one!", you continue your rant.

The smell of the Rajmah and the ghee-clad Rotis no longer appease you. Walking out of the door, abusing your luck under your breath, you slam the door behind you!

***

Due to all this trouble, you miss your daily 7 am train and have to catch the next immediate train which is pretty much crowded than the earlier one. Struggling through the crowd, you barely manage to get inside the train and the rest of the journey is passed getting sweaty and feeling hot in the cold weather, all the while thinking of the missing file. You reach your office with the crumpled shirt and not a very good mood. As you get out of the elevator you face your boss, who reminds you of the presentation today whilst giving a dirty look, on seeing your bungled appearance.

"The train was over crowded today," you try to reason, but the boss least bothered now, walks away with the smirk.

Within a couple of hours, thanks to the history feature of the web explorer, you manage to get the statistics again and finish the slides. You quickly have a go through and approach your boss for the presentation and getting the team together.

"That's a good presentation," says the boss while skimming through the slides," But, I don't think YOU should be presenting it today. You don't look very professional and it would affect our company's image in front of the clients."

"Forward this to Ashish, and let him lead the presentation. I'll give you another opportunity some other day if you promise to be presentable," your boss continues, but you are no longer able to listen...

***

"The opportunity was a once in a blue moon and I had to lose it due to my Mom. What kind of parent would do this to their child?! Now that Ashish, who already has a good image in front of the Board Members would shine brighter after today's presentation. All my efforts would never be seen! I have been struggling for a promotion in this job for almost 3 years and now working my ass off all this week for collecting the data about the market and competitors for what? For nothing ultimately! If Mom had not moved the file, I would have reached work in time, all neat and tidy and surely would have presented way better than Ashish." You think sitting on the wooden bench at the platform, as you head back home.

"Mom has always done this! If you can't remember where you kept the thing, don't touch it in the first place", the chain of hostile thoughts continues and the train halts in front of you. You get in the train monotonously, lost in your own thoughts and along with the train, the flashback of your failure continues in your mind. "No one cared about the attendance back then in my college. But my most sincere Mom, took me all the way to the Professor's cabin just to ask if I was in college the whole day? On the way, Apurva had seen me walking briskly and clearly seen Mom's angry face. That day Apurva might have thought what an immature kid I am, whose parents come to college as if it is a Parent-Teachers meet. In the cabin, Mom complained to the Professor that I had not returned home since 7am and had skipped the lunch, so she was worried! Like, seriously? If you really cared about my lunch, you could have just given me more pocket money so that I could eat outside and not have to run home to grab my lunch!" your thoughts go on.

You get down from the train and instead of heading towards home, you chose to go to a nearby restaurant. The booze and the spicy food from the restaurant, even though not tasting like Mom's food, soothes your pain and puts a full stop to your thought of a crashed dream. The clock ticks 11:00 pm and you raise swayingly, to walk towards your home knowing that everyone would be asleep by now.

***

The following day, you wake up with the same thoughts and after getting ready for office, you walk out of the door without taking the lunch box which your Mom has kept ready on the table. You reach office and get back to your monotonous work. It has been a little more than just a couple of hours and you receive a call from your Dad. Your Dad's voice seems a little worried, you hardly talk for few seconds, hang up and rush to leave the office. After one long hour, you reach the hospital and see your Dad pacing in the verandah with a tensed look. He takes you to the doctor's cabin as your family doctor wanted to see you as early as possible.

"Your Mom had been encountering with a chronic headache for a while now. And today while just being there in the kitchen she had this stroke, all of a sudden. Your Dad informed me, recently there had been many incidents where your Mom kept on forgetting simple things and considering her age, it is clearly not the old-age memory loss. And this all of a sudden stroke, all hinted towards a major concern," the doctor explains to you. "So fearing the high chances of Alzheimer's, we ran the MRI, and the reports came out more devastating. Unfortunately, the reports tell that your Mom has Vascular Dementia as well as Alzheimer's disease," the family doctor continues plainly while handing you over the MRI scan report.

"Alzheimer's is more common and gives some time for the patient to spend with their loved ones. An Alzheimer's patient loses the memory gradually, within a span of year as the brain shrinks in size leading to death. But the rare and deadly form of dementia, the Vascular Dementia is fatal and leaves the patient with a very little time in hand."

Everything comes crashing down. You stay there numb, completely lost, not knowing what to do next or how to react. You are just befuddled with the harsh fact!

Yet, gathering all the energy you have left, you blurt out immediately, "Little time? What do you mean, doctor? My Mom is still young, so she should be healthy and able to live well."

"Well, that would have been possible if she didn't have Vascular Dementia. The disease breaks down the neurological system of the body and greatly impairs the functioning of the brain. The health of the patient deteriorates very rapidly due to the blockage in the arteries of the brain. Since the vascular dementia causes chronic headache, it is hard to detect by people so easily. And by the time it is sensed, it becomes very late. Unfortunately, the blockage in the brain of your Mom is a severe one. In other cases, we might be able to remove it through some complicated surgery, but here it's beyond our reach. I am sorry. All you can do is spend some good time with her and see to it that she spend rest of her days happily. Eventually she won't be able to even identify you, so what you have in hand is really a small time.", the doctor tries breaking the ice to you.

You walk out of the cabin heavy heartedly, with your father deeply in grief on one side and the other side you see the door to your Mom's room. You walk to the door and peep through the window in the door. There she lies calmly on the bed in her green saree with IV-lines piercing through her veins and a smile across her serene face. She looks at you through the corner of her eyes and her smile widens...

Unable to hold back your emotions, you swiftly move away from her sight and break down. You let the tears flow from your eyes unflinchingly. The numbness in you finds a way through the tears rolling down the cheek. The memory from yesterday's fight could not keep from flashing across again now. Who knew that was the last glimpse you might have of your healthy Mom. And the last memory she might have of you as a child, would be someone who fought and hated her!

"The doctor says she would start losing her memory rapidly now and would not be even able to identify me- her own child! I should not have been mad at her. I could have talked to her in the morning, taken the lunch she prepared for me so lovingly despite the illness! Now, I realize what a fool I am!" The moment of realization hits you suddenly and grotesquely, "She kept the file away because she wanted to clean up the table, but then couldn't remember anything because of this bloody thing- Dementia! I have been so judgmental! How can I face her now with all this guilt?" You question yourself sitting there as the tears in your eyes refuse to stop and you make no efforts to stop them either.

***

You try to do everything you could to keep your Mom smiling, constantly being aware of the fact that you don't really know when would the another stroke come and you would lose your dear parent.

"Beta, I am fine now. You can go to work, no need to worry," your Mom assures you of her wellness and lost about the track of the time, she pleads you to go back to work on the weekend. Unable to break it to her, you just nod your head and tell her that you had to take a day off because you had some work with the bank.

"Ma, would you like to watch that movie- MOM we saw the other day?" you ask, knowing of her favorite actress Sridevi.

"Beta, I don't really remember which movie you are talking about, but let's watch it. These days you are so busy we hardly get any time to spend together. You remember when you were in school, we used to watch movies during your summer vacation," she replies with a zeal, remembering the old memories vividly.

You get up to order the lunch and try to get her favorite food to eat. Within half an hour the delicious food is at your doorstep and you start putting up plates for the lunch and set the ambience for the movie.

"What are you doing, Beta? Why have you darkened the room? And why did you order the food? I have prepared Rajmah for us, your favorite!" your Mom questions, having completely forgotten the earlier conversation and recollecting the memory of the events happened few days ago.

With the mention of the day of the fight, you think it would be the right time to apologize for your behavior. You are about to speak up, but your Mom continues, "You know last week I prepared Rajmah for my son and he loved it, he didn't get a chance to tell me, but I am sure he loved it. I fell ill after that and then I was in hospital for a week. I wish...." her words fade away as she experiences a severe pain in the head.

Stunned and petrified, you stand there clueless of what is going on! Your puzzled look changes to a worried look as you see your Mom crashing down. You run towards her, catching her in your arms as she gets another stroke. You see her face turning pale.

You frenetically try to caress your Mom, shout out to your Dad for help and call up the ambulance as well. She lies there in your arms and looking at you with pain in her expressions and yet calmness in her eyes. A faint smile flashes across the tired face and the lips softly utter, "I need to go now".

***

You sit there flabbergasted and hurt with the chain of events, sudden changes in your life and the irretrievable loss. So many things had to be said, so many apologies to be made to the one who loved you unconditionally. The earliest events of your childhood which you can remember strikingly, now play on the screen of your mind. You remember her sobbing when you were sick, her fulfilling all the tantrums you threw at her then. You remember how she protected you from the wrath of your father after every mischief whilst taking care that you don't overdo things and become a spoiled brat.

Time passed by and the same caring mother started seeming nosy to you. You remember how she tried to tell your stories to your crush - Apurva, and how it ended becoming an embarrassment for you. Since that day you decided you are not calling over any of your friends at home and keeping your Mom away from as many of them as possible. And then thinking of the recent times, you realize that you have forgot all her love, care, efforts and have been so abhorrent towards her. She was still the same caring lady that she was 25-30 years ago, you had changed. You had met many different people in the walk of your life, whom you appreciated, liked or loved, but you were the only person in her life! She had always loved only you, your every action, with no complains or expectations; and now in her dying moments, the only person she could think about was YOU! Doctor declared her to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Vascular Dementia..... But wasn't she demented her whole life as a mother? Demented for YOU!!

You sit there thinking about everything, demanding answers from yourself....